Hello, everyone.
It's been three years...? I guess, since I last opened this blog. I am a B-type, people. I do new things and then abandon them either because I am bored or I forget I started doing that new thing. I suck, yes, I know that. Do not ever think that the only thing I abandoned is this blog. I abandoned my book shelf, too. I read a bit of A Sea of Tranquility, Mockingjay, Speechless, 13 Reasons Why, & other books I don't even remember reading but I actually read. But then again, I left them unread. I am wondering whether or not I clean up the spider webs hanging on this blog before I start spitting out my rant? If so, please hand me the sweeper, peasants.
This year has been a roller coaster ride for me and my sensitive emotions. It does go up at certain times, but it mostly goes down, though. I do feel happy sometimes but sadness always takes control of my sane mind, altering the normal state of my mind into an insane one. I have been having mood swings, also. I get upset over stupid shit I see on the net, like grammar mistakes for example. I, all of a sudden, can blurt out the stupidest shit and jokes, then getting myself a series of laughter from people. Usually maybe after a series of endless laughter I will turn all blue again. I think I am not having mood swings. I am just simply on PMS. Giggggggggggggggles.
I graduated from high school. Finally, high school life is now a memory for me. A memory that no doubt has a special place inside my heart and will remain there forever (even though I am not quite sure I will remember every second of my high school life). I was awarded one of the best graduates in my school. I was proud to receive such an award that I, probably, had never dreamed of getting before I was awarded on my graduation day. Anyway, I am going to be a doctor, too. I got accepted at med school. I honestly did not expect that they would accept me because you know, I am not special. I am nothing but ordinary. My grades are ordinary. I do not excel in Biology. But they took me in anyway. I HONESTLY still wonder why they do...like dude, seriously, there are TONS of people out there praying their ass off just to be in med school and you chose me? Me, as in me? A snobbish person with no future in Biology and whatsoever related to it? Oh lord. I utterly do not know what you have planned for me. All I know is they are better than mine. : )
I met some of the med school students today. Almost all of them have the desire to be in med school (except me, I suppose). Some of them are pretty nice to me. We get along pretty well and I hope we will get along even better when we start the first semester. But honestly, they are GENIUSES. I would literally be a potato if I were to stand next to their achievements. I do not know if I will survive in med school. I have dreams I gotta fulfill in med school and with these people surrounding me, I'd better dig my own grave. And my dreams' grave too.
For the second time, I failed at love. I suck at love.
We have been friends for three years. I did not have any romantic feelings towards him at first. I thought we were platonic. I mean, he has this odd, mischievous demeanor going on with him. He is undeniably smart. He tells the best jokes ever and he never fails to make me laugh my butt off. Some people thought we were in a relationship, even a man thought we were husband and wife (for your information, I blushed when this unknown man said that). He is very close to God. He is my motivation to change, my brightest light when I am in oblivion. Instead of falling in love because of his face, his heart was the one who made me go head over heels for him. The feeling was uncontrollable. Fucking cliche.
And when he went out of town for his dreams, I found out that I was (and still am) the only one feeling this way. He found my feelings as a joke. How funny. No one deserves to be treated like a joke. I might be stupid and I often act like a clown to be laughed at, but I am still a human being. It is never cool to play with someone else's feelings like he did to me. It is not cool to praise me, pull me inside your deadly pickup lines and bring me up to the highest sky just to abruptly drop me down. That kind of push and pull act is not okay. I am against it, soooo against it.
I cried a lot though. Just thinking about his face - his smiling face, more importantly - makes me tear up. My phone's and my laptop's photo gallery are filled with our pictures. Him smiling, me smiling. And pretty much everything goes into my mind, rewinding each of the precious moments we shared in the past. Reminiscing has now become so terrifying. Then I realized he scarred me pretty hard inside. At some point I think I do deserve this pain. I did put some scars to some of my ex-boyfriends. I did treat some of them like a joke and now I know how it feels to be treated like one. This, I will make a lesson out of.
Do I regret telling him about my feelings? No, I do not. I will find someone better, sooner or later - it does not matter. Do I regret getting into medical school? At first, to be honest, I was broken. But now I am fine. I will do what God believes is right for me.
There will finally be a time when I regret writing this post, regret telling about this guy and blah, blah, blah. Regrets are fine as long as you take a lesson out of them. Make sure you do not have the same regrets all over and over again. That is why nobody is perfect. Life is like a like dirty, stained shirt. The stains are your mistakes and regrets. You know where, when, and how you got those dirty stains. You clean them up and make sure you will never get one again. You become more cautious of everything. I perhaps can call that a stage of maturity.
And I, my friends, will do my best not to do past mistakes. : )
I met some of the med school students today. Almost all of them have the desire to be in med school (except me, I suppose). Some of them are pretty nice to me. We get along pretty well and I hope we will get along even better when we start the first semester. But honestly, they are GENIUSES. I would literally be a potato if I were to stand next to their achievements. I do not know if I will survive in med school. I have dreams I gotta fulfill in med school and with these people surrounding me, I'd better dig my own grave. And my dreams' grave too.
For the second time, I failed at love. I suck at love.
We have been friends for three years. I did not have any romantic feelings towards him at first. I thought we were platonic. I mean, he has this odd, mischievous demeanor going on with him. He is undeniably smart. He tells the best jokes ever and he never fails to make me laugh my butt off. Some people thought we were in a relationship, even a man thought we were husband and wife (for your information, I blushed when this unknown man said that). He is very close to God. He is my motivation to change, my brightest light when I am in oblivion. Instead of falling in love because of his face, his heart was the one who made me go head over heels for him. The feeling was uncontrollable. Fucking cliche.
And when he went out of town for his dreams, I found out that I was (and still am) the only one feeling this way. He found my feelings as a joke. How funny. No one deserves to be treated like a joke. I might be stupid and I often act like a clown to be laughed at, but I am still a human being. It is never cool to play with someone else's feelings like he did to me. It is not cool to praise me, pull me inside your deadly pickup lines and bring me up to the highest sky just to abruptly drop me down. That kind of push and pull act is not okay. I am against it, soooo against it.
I cried a lot though. Just thinking about his face - his smiling face, more importantly - makes me tear up. My phone's and my laptop's photo gallery are filled with our pictures. Him smiling, me smiling. And pretty much everything goes into my mind, rewinding each of the precious moments we shared in the past. Reminiscing has now become so terrifying. Then I realized he scarred me pretty hard inside. At some point I think I do deserve this pain. I did put some scars to some of my ex-boyfriends. I did treat some of them like a joke and now I know how it feels to be treated like one. This, I will make a lesson out of.
Do I regret telling him about my feelings? No, I do not. I will find someone better, sooner or later - it does not matter. Do I regret getting into medical school? At first, to be honest, I was broken. But now I am fine. I will do what God believes is right for me.
There will finally be a time when I regret writing this post, regret telling about this guy and blah, blah, blah. Regrets are fine as long as you take a lesson out of them. Make sure you do not have the same regrets all over and over again. That is why nobody is perfect. Life is like a like dirty, stained shirt. The stains are your mistakes and regrets. You know where, when, and how you got those dirty stains. You clean them up and make sure you will never get one again. You become more cautious of everything. I perhaps can call that a stage of maturity.
And I, my friends, will do my best not to do past mistakes. : )
Tidak ada komentar:
Posting Komentar