vegging out for the night

I am two weeks away from block examination, a week away from practical responses.

And guess what, I have not done anything significant to improve my ugly, horrible grades. Instead I am just sitting here, listening to Amy Winehouse while humming and writing something on this shitty blog. I feel like a ghost wandering around my faculty, attending lectures and practical sessions without no one noticing the soul-less me. I am tired. Tired of all the continuous studying, the clusterfuck crap I have to deal with. My phone is broken. I keep on breaking things I need the most - phones, vehicles, relationships. I do not know what's wrong with me these days. Or what's wrong with me throughout my entire existence. I have no idea.

& while I am currently and apparently always dealing with my life's annoying curfews, at the same time, I got into CIMSA, an organization for medical students, sort of. I got into a standing committee I wanted, a committee that is greatly concerned about world peace and human rights. I get to stand for every other feminists, finally. I am happy, but... I don't know. The happiness, it stood by my side only for one day. Then the discomfort ran back, finding a way into my veins. It has always been that way in certain days. The discomfort and happiness come and go like a fucking labile teenager.

I mocked my discomfort, saying that it is like a labile teenager, while I myself am still acting exactly the way a labile teenager would (exc. that I could make better decisions) - I am too dark. I keep on writing dark-ish things. I need to chill, having some butterflies in my stomach. I need a boyfriend.

I love my family a whole lot, & my friends too, but I think it is time for God to stop the karma domino I have been in, especially when it comes to guys. I have been single for the past 4 years (if I do not count the horrendous relationships, the ones I was in for 3 days or 1 month), I am miserably miserable. I messed up a couple relationships, indeed, but I think I have taken a lesson out of these 4 miserable years. 

I am oblivious of the reason, though. Is it because I still deserve this, or is it because I am not yet ready?

God has all the answers.