that funny feeling

Don't you ever just wish to disappear completely? 

At nights when hope seems to have faded, I wish I could close my eyes and not be able to come back. Float away into the unknown territory of inexistence. Nothing but everlasting inner peace. No matter how rash I might be, even on the brink of it all, I can never seem to pull the trigger. The guilt persists, even when I'm no longer here. It's just a few moments away until I turn others into the same person I was: an individual who had given up all hope. Even the smallest actions bear consequences⎯so I use what's left of me to live.

I bear with the pain, 

in hopes that it all ends with me.

giant steps

"Tell me, what brings you here?"

Frankly, I have no idea why I am here. The funny thing is, I have always had a feeling that someday I will end up here. When the feeling comes to the surface, I ponder the words I'm going to say to you. Do I start with my insecurities, or the ingrained hatred towards myself, or the fact that I don't think anyone cares about me? Should I tell you about the dark and twisted fragments of my psyche? 

Childhood trauma, you said? I think that is off-limits, we should not address that ever again since I might start crying after uttering a few words. Displaying fragility towards other people just isn't my thing; I don't even do it in front of my loved ones, let alone a complete stranger like you. Oh, and one more thing: you would probably die of boredom if I chose to tell you about the horrible shit people have done to me which gave me immense trauma and severe trust issues. That story is at least three meetings long, and unfortunately, I can't afford them.

Something in my gut tells me that you'd most likely shift the blame towards me, telling me that I am the one at fault all this time. Given the fact that I'm such a dramatic, selfish piece of shit, I should just straightly book my place in hell already. Trust me, I would not even be remotely surprised if you really thought of me that way. I'm so used to blaming and loathing myself even for the things I have absolutely no control of. If I were to be completely honest, I am scared. I wish I could retreat from this nonsensical bullshit you're offering me. It seems hard to believe that you will successfully guide me to fill the unceasing void inside my heart and ultimately heal. I guess I was born as a fuck up.

Anyway, where were we?

starry eyes

Every so often I look at you when you are sound asleep. I look at the sparkle of fascination that appears in your eyes when you yap about the inexplicable mysteries of the universe. I look at the sight of you eagerly devouring the food I make for you (which honestly does not deserve to be called food, even). I look so deeply into your eyes as we lay side by side, in your bedroom, with your favorite music playing in the background.

The moment my eyes lock with yours, the haunting memory of my past withers away in the blink of an eye. I know by heart it doesn't last forever. Nothing does. But at least for a fleeting moment, the past stops chasing me down. I don't have to keep hurtling myself away from it. I can finally stand so tall, with you, because I have nothing to be scared of.

Every so often I look at you, yet again, only to allow myself to get lost in those starry eyes of yours. And strangely, I wish I could never find my way back home.

a letter to the old man

Dad, do you remember that time when we watched Who Wants to Be a Millionaire together? I can't believe it was 17 years ago. I think it was on a sunday night since you weren't working late. I recall resting my head upon your chest with my arms encircled around your stomach. It was not a very extravagant way to spend a sunday night indeed, but my three year old self thought that spending time with her dad was worth more than anything.

Maybe you think I've changed so much ever since. We barely see each other. We don't talk as much. I don't bawl my eyes anymore when you leave town. I don't hug you as tight as I did when I was three. I don't rest my head on your chest and sleep in your embrace anymore. My eyes maybe don't gleam as much as it used to upon the sight of you.

Maybe the change in our relationship upsets you. I see it in your eyes sometimes. Frankly, it makes me sad, too. I know you miss your little girl; she's all grown up now and there's no way for you to turn back the time. Please believe me, dad, when I say I'm still the same girl I was 17 years ago - all I have ever wanted is to see you smile because of me. Nothing else in the world could compare to that.

Our relationship has never been smooth since the beginning. We have passed through so many bumpy and rocky roads. There are times when I wish I could run away from you and live all by myself. More than once have I blamed you for the unfortunate events I had to live through and the emotional trauma that ensued afterwards. We have had our fair share of turmoils, but that doesn't mean I don't love you, dad. You reside deep in my heart, always, and know that I couldn't imagine life without you. I'm eternally grateful for your presence, dad, for without you, I may never be the woman I am now. 

blue valentine

you're the only birthday present I want
setiap hari aku duduk di kantin sambil lihat tangga, cuma pengen lihat kamu turun.

jangan lepas hijabnya ya, aku suka lihat kamu pakai kerudung.

would you get back together with me if I wasn't in a relationship right now?

I would never make such an amazing person like you my second choice

nobody can ever replace you

don't ponder on things that make you feel like you're not worth anything
I want to learn kindness from you

you should become a doctor; I'd love to have a wife that works as one

what if it was you all along and I never actually realized this?

jangan pulang. sini aja.

I wish I could kiss you right now

the reason why I can't seem to get over you is because I love you
you are mine, from now onwards.

I'm sorry I didn't return your feelings

we're too different. that's why we can never be together

our timing is always wrong

you should leave cause I'm no good for you

be honest with me, have you been seeing someone else?

this relationship can never work. it's doomed from the beginning

aku nggak bisa ninggalin dia begitu aja. you know I love you.
she's just a friend. there's nothing going on between us, I swear.

I'm tired of you constantly begging for my attention

I feel like you're always dragging me down

you and your repetitive problems bore me
we keep on going round in circles and honestly I'm sick of this

I don't give a shit about your fucking family problems

I've never cared about you
is it love if we keep hurting each other?

fuck you, fuck this relationship. it is fucking over.
I'm not in love with you anymore.

note to self

At times when self hatred fills up the hollow void of my existence, I cry.

Sometimes I cry in my room as I curl up inside my blanket with my arms circling around Valentine. When dad knocks on the bedroom door asking me to join him for dinner, I refuse. He doesn't know that I don't want to eat because I hate the way my body looks.

Sometimes I cry in the bathroom, my hands covering the inaudible screaming I make with a towel. When my brother gets mad at me for using the bathroom for too long, I don't yell back. I'm just relieved he doesn't have to go through the same shit I went through.

Sometimes I cry myself to sleep and wake up with terribly puffy eyes the day after. I conceal them with makeup to prevent anyone from knowing that I hurt myself because numbness took control over my conscience.

Sometimes I cry as I stare towards the ceiling, asking why I'm still stuck in the same shithole I've been in for years. I resent myself for not making any progress in life. I wonder what went wrong - am I too immersed in my past? Am I too comfortable in being the person I am now? Am I too scared to face the future repercussions of my past actions?

I cry and it's completely okay. It's not a sign of fragility, it makes me human. It keeps me from stopping. For without the tears, I will never learn to understand and accept the extent of the struggle I lived through. I know for sure that one day I'm going to look up to the sky and realise that I made it through. I lived through all the crap life put me into. I am going to continue living through the ups and downs, and you should too.

all to you

Love has zero need for reciprocation.

You don't expect anything in return. You don't beg them to fondle you with utmost affection. You don't feel the enormous need to be by their side for the rest of your life – you let them go. You love them the way they are regardless of their hostility, yet still, you are unceasingly eager to see them grow to become the best person they can be. You are delighted to see the spark in their eyes light up upon their success even if you are not included in the journey of pursuing it. Your only wish is to stare at them as they smile in complete content, even if that means you have to take risks to make it happen. And despite everything, you still don't at all expect anything in return. That is the beauty of love.